Torturing myself

I believe that the primary interest I have in the lifestyles that have a Dominate and a submissive role to be very beneficial for the people lucky enough to find that match. Unfortunately I have not been able to live this 24/7, but I can’t help but to think that living it, is a difficult as finding the right fit to do so.

For years my known interest and the submissive in which I truly had a lot less understanding of the depth of it, was inside me. Tormenting me on a daily basis. Secretly looking on line, reading stories and information regarding it. At times becoming so frustrated and sad due to the over whelming want and actually need for it. I would more than once give up and pack it in. Feeling it was an impossible fairy tale. Only to return again, not really knowing why or what I was expecting to happen.

Somehow I was lucky enough to find my perfect fit, but have been told and know from quite early on that there was no future in it. Not knowing for sure when, but knowing some day it will end. At times I spend almost as much time thinking about what I will do then , as I do thinking about the great experiences now.

I’ve known for a while that I will set this part of me aside again, but this time it will be for the last time. It will be different this time, because I have collected for years, implements and even some clothing has had strong connections to this part of me. These items will only make it more difficult for me close this up. I know that I will get rid of or destroy these items.

Rambling a lot with this, but guess my point is… It won’t be easy to do, but I already know the pain and torture of smothering this part of me. Have no doubt it will be easier than torturing myself with hopeless fairy tales.