Thursday, March 22, 2012

My Wall... Built... Breached... Need to Rebuild

As I have stated before, my wall was built very strong without even realizing it was being built. Life experiences put me in a protective state of dealing with others and even worse myself. Being taught at a very young age to be as tough as a man, but still be a lady. Confusing at times but still knowing the point of the lesson.

Long before the teacher of this lesson was gone. I took over drilling myself to keep that tough shield, so to speak. Never allowing anything less. If anything, I became more demanding and less forgiving of myself for failing. Angry when I allowed myself to let my guard down even a little and only noticing when it was too late and the damage was already done.

My wall has been a struggle at times. Fighting to keep it strong, but knowing how it was affecting my ability to live life to it's fullest. Everything was forced under a tight mask that was suffocating. Causing every emotion to become anger and and this anger was not aimed at anyone else but myself. Which affected my behavior. Acting out in ways that weren't good for me. Mostly taking dangerous risks. As one person told me. Your not just hanging to the edge. Your dangling with only a finger tip.

Knowing this was true and trying desperately to change my behavior and way of thinking, but failing over and over again. Told I was failing because I had no real consequences for my actions. I knew this was true and have felt that my interest and understanding of spanking for discipline was what I needed. I started searching for real experience. Not just reading about it or observing others real experiences on line.

So I decided to go back online and see if i could find someone for discipline. Seemed simple enough...Right. Well it is if you don't care about safety. Most people who have been on any site and observant of the people on them. Will notice there are more "Want-a-be spankers" than spankers with real experiences. People who are quick to say they have the knowledge and experience of what ever you are describing your looking for..

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